Monday, December 19, 2011
(personal life) the path of least resistance vs. the path of joy and exaltation
Being stuck upstate wiped the road buzz bliss out of me that had been so nourishing while traveling down the coast, the nice euphoria of meeting like-minded loves every day, and working for good every step of the way- it went away, and the pain and fears of my childhood patterns found their ways back into my psyche. I've been back in NYC for about a week now, and I feel like I'm on very unsteady ground, but gaining a little footing...
The occupy movement is real, and strong, and beautiful. The face of it that I am seeing at the moment, though, is fragmented and elusive. Groups meet constantly, and there are so many of them! As a bodyworker-artist-musician-traveler-farmer, nutritional-healing-enthusiast, environmentalist/sustainability advocate, and as a generally mindful/responsible/caring and individual, I'm finding it hard to choose where to direct my energies.
During my brief time in the park in October, it felt so easy to be freely acting on impulse and finding myself in the right place at the right time to do something worthwhile. It felt easy to find people to click with. I felt magnetized to the things that I was good for, and by chance they happened upon me. So many things I'd like to attend now overlap, and I find my choices being made by means like coin-flipping, or convenience.
i've been driving myself crazy with worry and doubt since i stopped traveling. maybe its the time of year, or maybe its the time of man, i don't know who i am... (sorry... )
thoughts grow thick around me, and i find myself unsure which way is towards the light.
-throwing myself in fully, letting go
-disbelief in monetary system, but desire for certain things money can buy (living space/home and computer top priorities, plus paying for phone, car/insurance/maintenance, upgrading phone to be a more effective tool, specific food stuff -chocolate-and supplements for physical and mental health, etc...)
-alone/together (i need both. can i have both?)
-safety net (personal/societal)
-trust (process, people, self, ups and downs)
-how to be most effective
- getting my hands on a computer for keeps
seriously. Do i work for the things that made sense to me to work towards before occupy, for myself, or do I work on the things I've been trying to work towards for forever, within occupy? Do i throw away the entire path i felt comfortable with, and trust that a new one will open up? i want to, but so far the path is not clear. my heart does not say jump. nor does it tell me to follow the previous path. i'm in a thicket here, and my next steps are not clear.
I have been trying it both ways while I can, while I have a temporary place to come home to while cat-sitting. I got a job, but so far it don't pay, and it doesn't feel in line with my priorities. I've been to OWS meetings of Wellness/Meditation, Sustainability, Farms, D17 planning, banner/sign-painting, and environmental actions and teach-ins. I taught a quick workshop on making kimchee during the Sustainability group's Holiday Bazaar on sunday, which was great and fun and served me some of those connecting moments i'd been missing, and was inspiring (especially listening to Andrew Faust on permaculture) There were a lot of interesting people teaching and trading lots of beautiful things.
I guess i'm just trying to have patience and find the path of joy. Patience, trust in the universe, and love all the time.